Dunkdunk di sini, di sono, dan di mana-mana…

i’ve been having a quite lot of thoughts lately. and it actually started when i was back from my very looong leave. my leave was ended by a surprise. not so much a surprise though, since i was kinda able to sense what was going on. and unfortunately, that surprise was also not ended well too.

i was kinda in a relationship, for about 3 weeks. a very short relationship that was already wrong to begin with. but there was impulse in me to commit to that relationship. and i surrenderred to that impulse. which was wrong. and i knew it was wrong.

there was too many differences between us. too big of a gap between us. and both of us were not brave enough, daring enough, or even having feeling deep enough to force ourselves ’jump’ to the other side. from my own point of view, it was impossible for me to ‘jump’ because i never wanted, want or will ever want to be in the other side. and honestly, i think that my feeling was not too deep, or deep enough to be willing to sacrifice my belief, my stand, my principal in life.

and since we have begun what we shouldn’t ever have begun, there were hearts broken. tears shed, lots and lots of tears. mine and his. luckily, we finally decided to move backward. to be like what we used to be. just friends. and i think this is the best for both of us too. to continue our own lives. i’m here and he’s there. and just be friends.

then there were times, when i thought about love life. well. not sure if i can say that i have one, since my life has been like making friendships and my feeling has ever gone further than that. and then, when i was thinking about my boy friends (note: my friends who happen to be male), it crossed my mind to give them a score, or a grade, or a number, or a percentage, or a value, to the level of possibility of my wanting them to be my boyfriend so that i will tolerate the flaws (that i know of) and also willing myself to fight, to sacrifice, for the sake of the relationship.

so then i thought and i thought and i thought, and then i had come to a list of my boy friends which unfortunately are not single anymore. they were friends that i did consider quite close, some are still close, some are so far away. i was on the verge of thinking that i’d been wasting my time thinking about useless thing when my friend said that it wasn’t my fault to be ‘late’, i WAS late, i was too slow for thinking about my qualified boy friends far enough to even consider them as my boyfriend, but there was hope that someone, would also be thinking ‘late’ like me. and when that time comes, hopefully we are both also available.

that was a good theory. a very good one to make me feel a little bit better. thanks for her for that. but anyway, i don’t think it quite makes sense. see? for a very logical person like me, everything has to have a reason, everything has to be logical, everything has to make sense.

so i started thinking again. what do those friends of mine have in common? then i realized, they were all ’stronger’ than me. or maybe they just appeared to be stronger than me, well i don’t know. but that was all they were.

you see, for a person like me, i need someone who is ’stronger’ than me. someone who’s not intimidated by me. usually people when they first know me, they will think that i’m a very unfriendly person because i don’t really smile or talk a lot when i meet a new people. and perhaps, the worst case they may think i’m a nasty person or whatever. but those friends, they were not ‘intimidated’ by me. they ’saw’ me beyond all of that. and it turned out we have the same way of thinking, and in the end, we became good friends. because when i started open up, oh man, i hardly can stop talking and laughing.

then i came to a conclusion. it wasn’t easy to find that kind of person. that kind of friend. who is ‘daring’ enough to approach me. to befriend me. to share thoughts and feelings with me. and that’s why i wasn’t easy to fall in love too. and i wouldn’t give up. i may be approaching late 20s, but it doesn’t mean that i have to give myself up to the first guy who comes on to me. i’m not desperate (yet?). and i definitely don’t want to spend the rest of my life with some guy who i choose because i HAVE to and not because i WANT to.

well, anyway, enough of this crap for now. i have things to read and to do. and that things PAY my bills and my clothes, and my shoes, and my food, and oh.. my new soon-to-come PSP..

so enough crappy and sappy things, and it’s time to work.