Dunkdunk di sini, di sono, dan di mana-mana…

Nobody likes goodbyes. Nobody likes separation from their loved ones or their good mates or anything that’s good or nice or comfortable for them. And yet for these past few months, I’ve said goodbyes for many times.

I heard some people say that goodbyes can make you stronger, and I guess it’s because you are forced to survive after you lost something. But I do believe that goodbyes are for the good of everyone. For the ones that are being left, it means that it’s time to be even more stronger and also to get some new friends. And for the ones that left, it means that they are in search of new adventures, new experience and also new friends. Maybe in the process, there will be some sadness, some tears, or perhaps some anger, but in the end, time will be the one that heals.

These goodbyes that I had, they were so many but I’d go for friends this time. There were 3 good friends leaving Singapore (for good?). And each of them means something for me.

Let’s do some reminiscing.

Last year in August, there’s a very good dearest friend left to seek for new adventure in a country in the continent of Europe. The farewell was simple, just like she is. Closest friends gathered together for some drinks and then all of us headed home. She was staying with me at that time, so it was time for last minute packing. Then in the morning, there were three of us sending her off at the airport. I was sad with the thoughts it would be a looooong time before I’d get to see her again. And when we hugged, I kinda thought that it was the first time we really did hug for a goodbye though it wasn’t our first goodbye too (we did have several goodbyes before).  I did feel like crying that time, but I knew that she wouldn’t like it, so I really really tried not to and I really didn’t cry!

The second goodbye on September (if I’m not mistaken) was to someone that I just knew. He was here only for few months, but somehow someway since he was a friend of my flatmate, we often hang out together, for drinks, for card game, for board game. So we did get quite close. He left Singapore because apparently he didn’t really like it here. Oh well, people have the rights for their own opinion, so then he left. Another farewell was set. A nice dinner, followed by going to Esplanade and just sat on the bench by the river. Enjoying the view of Singapore’s CBD at his last night. Then the next day we didn’t send him off at the airport, well, it was a Monday at 2 PM. He himself chose the time. Maybe he didn’t want anyone to send him off. Worried that everyone might get to see him cry or something. =P

The last goodbye was just last Sunday. Another friend leaving for Europe. Well, actually he’s at Indonesia now, but he’ll be leaving for Europe next month. And again he was someone that I knew for now so long a time. Guess we started to hang out together quite often since we found out we had a same hobby which is KARAOKE!! The last months we met quite often (aside from 2 months I was at my hometown), for dinner, movies, yoga (dr. Chandran~!!), karaoke (of course~!!), oh and there was a night last week on Chinese New Year’s days that I think I will not forget it for a looong time (Hahaha~!). Some funny and exciting memories we have~!!
Another farewell was done, one drinking session at Indochine, supper at McD, last minute packing at his house, breakfast at Changi, then it was ended with another goodbye hug for another friend. And I believe I’m getting good at goodbyes, because I really could hold my tears this time. =P

Hmm… tat’s all folks!

3 good friends. and with 2 of them it feels like they’re still close coz we often IM each other. I can’t speak for the last one since now he’s at his beloved hometown that’s quite secluded so that I’m not sure it already has internet connection (Haha~!! =P )

I do miss them all. I miss the time all of us could hang out together. I wish that someday in the future, we will get the chance to get together, hang out, just like the old times.

Last week I went to Jakarta to accompany my mom who was about to go to see doctor and also undergo an operation, then dunno why, on the way there and back, I thought about my dad. He passed away more than 12 years ago. I don’t have many special/memorable memories about him. He was busy with his hobby which was taking care his pet birds. His hobby had been his #1 priority and it was also one thing that I didn’t like about him.

My dad was a cheerful man. He loved making jokes. And since I was born 5 years after he married to my mom, during that time trying to conceive me, he was also close with my cousins. And I suppose he loved them like his own kids as he didn’t have me yet.

I always loved when he made jokes and told me bedtime stories. His stories were always about “si kancil” (mouse deer), but not only “si kancil nyolong timun” (a children’s folk tale about a mouse deer who steals cucumbers), he could make up stories with his creativity so that “si kancil” could do more than just stealing cucumbers. And since his stories were never the same each time, I always looked forward to a new and interesting “kancil” stories.

I learned how to make a nice coffee with milk from my dad. Sometimes, when I was too lazy to make my own, I would steal a few sips from his gigantic mug (he always had his coffee (with/without milk) in his gigantic mug). Hmm, I guess that was the beginning of my liking coffee.

On my birthday, he seldom buy me presents and just gave me money instead. But he didn’t give me just like that, he would wrap it in his special way so that it would be interesting and exciting for me to open it up.

I never consider myself close with my dad. It often happened that I was jealous of my cousins that seemed to be closer to him than me to him. In my little kid eyes, I saw that my dad was so ‘clicked’ with my cousin in sharing jokes or anything, and it made me feel left out. As much as I tried to be close to him, it never worked.

One special moment that I could remember, was when my family had a trip to Jakarta. My dad had never been to Sea World, but my mom and I had. So to save up money, my mom asked me to accompany my dad. Honestly, I was not in the mood to see fishes (I’m not a fish person). But since my mom told me that my dad liked fishes, so I tried to cheer myself up and set my spirit high to accompany him. I showed my dad all the interesting fishes, we saw all the aquariums, went through the underwater escalator, I made sure that my dad saw all the fishes and all interesting sea creatures. Then after that, at the gift shop, I browsed through the soft toys (I was a a kid and I loved soft toys!). Suddenly, my dad bought me a white and cute seagull soft toys. And well since I was a kid, I didn’t think anything else and just accepted it happily. But that night, my mom told me that my dad was very happy that I accompanied him. He was touched that I was so full of spirit and excited when showing him around. I never thought that my small action could mean so much to him. And that time I just felt that we were so close than before.

That trip was the last trip our family went with its full member. My dad had a heart attack not long after that. Leaving me and my mom all alone. And sometimes, I’m angry for him leaving us when I was just started my youth. His death changed a lot of things.

i had quite a bad debate last nite with mba angzas.

dimulai dr pembicaraan resep makanan, lanjut ke gue yg picky ttg makanan, n lanjut lagi ke masalah didikan (ortu, lingkungan, guru, temen) yg membuat gue jadi picky krn gue dimanjain dr kecil n krn gue anak tunggal jadi ga ada acara rebutan ma orang laen jadi nya gue seenak jidat milih2 makanan gue.

nyokap dr gue kecil sering sodorin sgala macem makanan di depan idung gue, niat hati spy gue mo cobain n jadi suka. dan sperti pada umumnya anak kecil, gue suka nya makan daging. cm ada tambahan gue ga suka lemak. tapi sperti anak kecil pada umumnya, gue jg mood2an, kl gue lg mood coba ya gue coba, kl kaga ya kaga. ada saat2 di mana gue bisa dirayu utk cobain, ada saat2 di mana gue kaga bisa dirayu. dan ditambah lagi gue tu ada sifat keukeuh, skali kaga, seringnya akan bakal seterus nya kaga. n begitu cici gue yg emang iseng suka nyelipin sayur ato apa di antara nasi2 gue dan gue kebetulan nemu tu sayur, gue bisa marah2 ma cici gue. emang gue ga perfect, itu sifat jelek gue waktu kecil. galak, ga suka diboongin, n keukeuh. dan satu lagi, gue tu waktu kecil ga suka makan, susah banget masukin nasi ke mulut gue.

dan sbagai nyokap liat anak nya kyk gitu, wajar lah jadi nya dia berusaha penuhin keinginan anak spy anak nya makan. dan nyokap juga ga paksa banget gue musti suka sayur n sgala macem yg waktu itu gue ga mau. krn kl dia tau, kl dia paksa gue akan tetep keukeuh ga mau n ga ada yg bisa paksa n ujung2nya bisa2 gue ga makan. tambah gede, gue tambah lunak. uda mulai bisa dipaksain coba macem2. biar pun ada saat2 n ada jenis2 makanan yg gue akan tetep keukeuh gue ga mau. tetep aja sifat dasar keukeuh ma makanan ada di dalam diri gue biar pun uda berkurang kadar nya.

so, dr pengalaman masa kecil gue, gue tau, sifat gue yg keukeuh n jelek itu yg bikin nyokap gue ga paksa gue makan sgala, n in the end, gue bebas memilih apa makanan yg gue mau. and tats it, krn itu gue picky ma makanan. nyokap gue hanya berperan jd orang tua yg sayang ma anaknya n juga terlalu ngerti sifat jelek anaknya, dia ada paksa gue makan n coba2, tapi keputusan utk nolak ato makan ada di tangan gue.

gue akuin juga, defense gue di perdebatan smalem, selain krn gue tau apa yg bikin gue picky, ada unsur gue ngebelain nyokap gue. gue paling benci sama orang yg bilang, ato imply ato apa pun yg jelek tentang nyokap gue. karna gue tau, seumur hidup gue, nyokap gue uda berusaha mendidik n mengarahkan gue jadi yg terbaek. dan ditambah lagi, sejak bokap gue meninggal 11 taon lalu, nyokap gue cuma punya gue n cici gue. dan insting gue utk lindungin nyokap gue jg tambah gede.

jadi siapa pun. yg sampe ngomong ato imply yg jelek ttg nyokap gue yg gue tau ga bener, well, i’ll fight for it til i die.

i’ve been having a quite lot of thoughts lately. and it actually started when i was back from my very looong leave. my leave was ended by a surprise. not so much a surprise though, since i was kinda able to sense what was going on. and unfortunately, that surprise was also not ended well too.

i was kinda in a relationship, for about 3 weeks. a very short relationship that was already wrong to begin with. but there was impulse in me to commit to that relationship. and i surrenderred to that impulse. which was wrong. and i knew it was wrong.

there was too many differences between us. too big of a gap between us. and both of us were not brave enough, daring enough, or even having feeling deep enough to force ourselves ’jump’ to the other side. from my own point of view, it was impossible for me to ‘jump’ because i never wanted, want or will ever want to be in the other side. and honestly, i think that my feeling was not too deep, or deep enough to be willing to sacrifice my belief, my stand, my principal in life.

and since we have begun what we shouldn’t ever have begun, there were hearts broken. tears shed, lots and lots of tears. mine and his. luckily, we finally decided to move backward. to be like what we used to be. just friends. and i think this is the best for both of us too. to continue our own lives. i’m here and he’s there. and just be friends.

then there were times, when i thought about love life. well. not sure if i can say that i have one, since my life has been like making friendships and my feeling has ever gone further than that. and then, when i was thinking about my boy friends (note: my friends who happen to be male), it crossed my mind to give them a score, or a grade, or a number, or a percentage, or a value, to the level of possibility of my wanting them to be my boyfriend so that i will tolerate the flaws (that i know of) and also willing myself to fight, to sacrifice, for the sake of the relationship.

so then i thought and i thought and i thought, and then i had come to a list of my boy friends which unfortunately are not single anymore. they were friends that i did consider quite close, some are still close, some are so far away. i was on the verge of thinking that i’d been wasting my time thinking about useless thing when my friend said that it wasn’t my fault to be ‘late’, i WAS late, i was too slow for thinking about my qualified boy friends far enough to even consider them as my boyfriend, but there was hope that someone, would also be thinking ‘late’ like me. and when that time comes, hopefully we are both also available.

that was a good theory. a very good one to make me feel a little bit better. thanks for her for that. but anyway, i don’t think it quite makes sense. see? for a very logical person like me, everything has to have a reason, everything has to be logical, everything has to make sense.

so i started thinking again. what do those friends of mine have in common? then i realized, they were all ‘stronger’ than me. or maybe they just appeared to be stronger than me, well i don’t know. but that was all they were.

you see, for a person like me, i need someone who is ‘stronger’ than me. someone who’s not intimidated by me. usually people when they first know me, they will think that i’m a very unfriendly person because i don’t really smile or talk a lot when i meet a new people. and perhaps, the worst case they may think i’m a nasty person or whatever. but those friends, they were not ‘intimidated’ by me. they ‘saw’ me beyond all of that. and it turned out we have the same way of thinking, and in the end, we became good friends. because when i started open up, oh man, i hardly can stop talking and laughing.

then i came to a conclusion. it wasn’t easy to find that kind of person. that kind of friend. who is ‘daring’ enough to approach me. to befriend me. to share thoughts and feelings with me. and that’s why i wasn’t easy to fall in love too. and i wouldn’t give up. i may be approaching late 20s, but it doesn’t mean that i have to give myself up to the first guy who comes on to me. i’m not desperate (yet?). and i definitely don’t want to spend the rest of my life with some guy who i choose because i HAVE to and not because i WANT to.

well, anyway, enough of this crap for now. i have things to read and to do. and that things PAY my bills and my clothes, and my shoes, and my food, and oh.. my new soon-to-come PSP..

so enough crappy and sappy things, and it’s time to work.

abis baca blog seorang temen. dia punya definisi yg menarik ttg apa itu teman. g paste di bawah aja ni:

sekali teman tetap teman. kita mungkin kurang kontek, kita mungkin kurang komunikasi, tapi dalam hati gue, smua temen adalah tetap teman dan akan selalu begitu dan tentu saja dengan demikian teman kita tuh seharusnya slalu bertambah . Mungkin kita akan tidak bertegur sapa satu sama lain, mungkin kita akan marah mungkin kita akan menikah mungkin kita akan punya anak. Tapi teman bukanlah seperti kekasih yg hrs sering bertemu. Teman bukanlah hub keluarga yg hrs terus kita silahturahmi. teman bukanlah hub colleague yg putus setelah kita pindah kerja. teman bukanlah tetangga yg putus setelah kita pindah rumah dan teman bukanlah anak yg slalu harus kita jaga.

Teman itu hub paling spesial krn tanpa dijaga tp tetap ada. Tanpa ekpektasi berlebihan dari kdua belah pihak. Tidak ada hak, tidak ada kewajiban. Tapi dengan teman kita bisa menjadi diri kita, bercerita apa adanya keluh kesah sedih gembira bahkan cerita2 yg kita tidak bisa ungkapkan dgn pacar suami istri bahkan orang tua. Teman adalah tempat bersandar terdekat setelah Tuhan, Orang Tua, Istri/Suami dan anak. Walau tidak memberi bantuan, dengan cukup mendengarkan, teman telah memberikan bantuan yg lebih dr apapun.

 g speechless pas baca ini. well.. this blog explains a lot. explains why he didnt think it was necessary to meet up or hang out with a bunch of old friends. it’s all because he thinks that it’s not important and necessary at all!! Jeezz.. i gotta say i disagree with this posting..

Teman itu hub paling spesial krn tanpa dijaga tp tetap ada. -> nama nya temen, rada mirip sperti kekasih, kl dibiarin aja tanpa ada contact sama skali, hubungan itu jg lama2 akan mati, akan jadi kaku, awkward. it takes time for 2 persons to become friends, it has process, a simple introduction will not make friendship, it only adds up the number people you know, but not adding up your friends.

Tanpa ekpektasi berlebihan dari kdua belah pihak. -> can’t expect you to be a good friend as well then?

Tidak ada hak, tidak ada kewajiban -> apakah ini jg berarti kl misalnya temen lg butuh ditemenin or what-so-ever, dia ga ada kewajiban utk nemenin n lebih baek utk nemenin kekasih yg emang harus sering ketemu?

holy shit! for all this time, i always consider him as a good and close friend. one of the closest friends. a friend that i can easily talk to about anything. ternyata dia nya punya persepsi beda ttg friendship. so all feelings, all efforts, all the time i tried to understand, tried to be there, all meant nothing??!?!?!!?!!

ARRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *emotional wave coming…

for the past few weeks, there’s been a tension between me and one of my closest friends (let’s say this is mr. C). actually this tension has been there for quite some time, but i decided to ignore it and tried to forget. until one day one of my close friends who has jz been in Singapore for few months brought it up (let’s say this guy is mr. R).

Mr. R mentioned about mr. C and i had our own separate world. mr. C has his own world with his own friends and apparently, i disliked some of his friends, well actually i disliked 2 of them, but the worst thing was the one person that i disliked now is his gf (so apparently, i’m doomed!!). I myself also hav several groups of friends which mr. C doesn’t really socialize with. and mr. R mentioned that mr. C dislikes one of my friends that i introduced to him.

The saddest person here was actually mr. R coz he was like ‘squeezed’ between my world and mr. C’s world. mr. R also came up with some plan for us to hang out together and all. but actually i don’t really expect anything from it since i’ve been more and more pessimistic about my friendship with mr. C since he started having mrs. C as his gf. it often happened that i had a plan with mr. C but then he would cancel it on the last minute because mrs. C asked him not to go, or mrs. C got to do something and mr. C had to accompany her, etc etc etc.

So after mr. R brought up this problem and sent email to both of mr. C and me, i replied the email, feeding up all my emotion and anger, and then i said it all in the email. about how i was so disappointed that mr. R and i were the least important person after mrs. C, that mr. C often said sarcastic thing about my new friends when my new friends can be available to me and he’s NOT, that mr. C laughed at my possible ‘doomed’ future when the rest of people that knew can show some empathy and a bit caring. and YES!! deep inside i’m very mad at mr. C. and this condition is definitely not helping in developing my liking towards mrs. C.

and then the climax was last weekend. i asked mr. C if he could be available to accompany me coz i was in a very low self-esteem mode and i really needed some company of a friend that really knew me. but he said he already got an appointment with mrs. C and his colleagues so he would confirm later. but until later that nite, there was no news from him what-so-ever. mr. R was a bit worried about me and he called my cell few times, but i was really not in the mood to answer any calls so i never picked up d phone. i jz spent my nite with someone else, seeking a comfort from someone i should’ve never been with. but i jz felt like i needed it.

oh shit! this thing happening between me and mr. C is definitely not healthy. it’s not possible for me to like mrs. C after all of these. i’m not a person who can easily change my feeling towards others so easily. especially if that person has left quite deep marks in making me dislike her.

oh well.. i think the best is for me to let go. let go everything. well.. not totally everything.. jz let go my friendship with mr. C.. he’s in need of a gf much more than friends. that is the most important thing that i HAVE to UNDERSTAND.. and now i’m trying..

for the past few days, there’s someone that i really really miss…

it started when i went to canteen with my colleagues to buy drinks… my eyes caught the small table where i used to spend my tea break with my former colleague… there were 2 tables in canteen where we used to sit, either the small table near the pillar where we could watch tv while we enjoyed our tea, or the big table near the window where we could see the green trees downhill…

it suddenly hit me… i miss him… i miss his company for my afternoon tea… i miss our chat session that happened almost everyday in office… i miss seeing him with his colleagues having lunch in canteen… *sigh…* after few weeks after the last time i met him, this is the first time i feel terribly missing him…

few weeks ago we had a dinner date… not really a guy-gal date, but more a friend date… we met to update each other, sharing gossips, etc… but in the end of the date, i feel sad… (i have a post about this date)…

sometimes i wonder… i miss him… but i don’t think i like him more than just friends… i even asked some of my friends about this, and according to them, i don’t have any special feeling for this guy, which i think it’s correct…

i admit that i miss him terribly this week… i was even so desperate and stupid and opened our chat logs jz to remember the funny things we said when we chatted…

but even though i miss him… when we chatted and then it ended coz he had to go or anything, i didn’t feel sad or disappointed… when i called and he sounded so hasty, it was OK for me… of course i liked when he called or IM-ed me, but when he had to go or he was online but he didn’t IM me, it was OK… i didn’t feel sad when i didn’t hear anything from him for quite some time… and it’s fine for me if i’d be the one who text him or IM him first… and when we met, it felt like when i was being with my other guy friends… there was no chemistry that should have happened if i had some feeling for him…

so the conclusion is… he’s jz a friend… whom i’m terribly missing…

i really do…

i really do miss him…

miss him terribly…

but i will not do anything about this… i’m sure it’s jz a phase… next week it will be gone…

last nite i went out with a friend who happened to be a guy. we haven’t seen each other for about a month so we arranged a dinner together which was also to update each other.

the main ‘menu’ of our dinner was about me telling him about my colleague (who was also his former colleague) who somehow someway made a pass at me but he was too fast and it’s got me scared and bla bla bla.. in the end he made me feel guilty for not having the effort to get to know him and also he said that i thought of him not good enough to be my friend. and my friend said that guy was like that, he was good at playing mind games and making me feel guilty so that i would make the first move to talk to him or anything. my friend also warned me not to get close to him to avoid any problems.

but that’s not what i was trying to tell here. i want to write about me and my friend.

when we arranged our dinner last week, i was excited. and yesterday i was still excited. i think, i’m bored with my condition like this. i’m not having any feeling towards anyone, not having even a tiny little bit crush to anyone, so.. heart-wise.. i’m blank.. and when i was about to meet him, i also thought that maybe i have a feeling towards him, or maybe a crush.

and then when we finally met, had dinner, had coffee at Starbucks, all went fine. it was nice. he was funny as usual. he talked alot as usual too. he was nice. he was kind. he was cute (in his own way). he also waited until i got on my bus (even though some of his busses already passed that bus stop). so overall, he’s a very eligible and yet quite potential bachelor!

but when i was in my bus, i thought, why did my heart still feel blank and empty? i still didn’t feel a thing even after everything went nicely. i sent a txt message since i forgot to thank for the free dinner, and he also replied a funny and nice message, then we sent another txt messages to each other for a while. and yet, last nite i jz sat outside my HDB building, on the exercise ground, and thinking why i didn’t feel a thing about this guy (btw it’s not that he has feelings for me either, we’re jz friends).

then it strucked me, i only like the IDEA of me liking him. but i do NOT really like him ‘like him’. i like him totally fully as a friend. like my feeling to uchok, rusdi, sapri or any guy friends i have.

well.. it’s got me sad too.. but then.. cant push and make a feeling jz appear out of nowhere.. it’s a process.. a process that i haven’t gone thru for the past few years… kinda miss that feeling… *sigh…*

when i was a little girl, i was always afraid to be different, to be outstanding, or to be freakishly weird among others. i always felt unconfident, that myself was not as good as others, i wasn’t clever enough, smart enough, sporty enough, or even pretty enough.

i always had a high standard when it came to my appearence. i liked to watch Japanese cartoon when the girls all had big eyes, slim figure, curly hair, and i considered them as ‘perfect’. and i also realized, i wasn’t ‘perfect’. my mom or my sister always said that i was pretty, beautiful and all. but even though i was only in my primary school, i knew that it wasn’t true and i already knew that all Moms always said that their daughters were pretty (mm..too sharp for a kid, right? ), so everytime my mom said that i was pretty, i would disregard it right away and sometimes i even asked my mom to stop saying that because i knew that i wasn’t.

and then when i was in university, sometimes my mom still said that her daughter was pretty, and again i always disregarded it. until one day, i remember i was deciding to break up with my boyfriend, but i was hesitate because somehow i was also afraid that i might not be able to find another guy that loved me. and my mom and i were talking about it, my mom said to me that she knew i wasn’t ‘perfect’, for common standard, i was 7, but it didn’t mean that i should lose my confidence and stayed together with someone that i didn’t feel right with. yeah, what my mom said was also what i had in mind but still easy to think that way but it was difficult to be truly confident about it. and then i still broke up with my boyfriend and i dont regret it. it was a right decision.

now here i am. 26 years, 2 months and 6 days old gal (or should i say ‘woman’?). 160cm. 58kgs. not fat, but not slim either. single and currently not in love with anyone. my career is ok. my friends are also ok. overall i’m still a 7 although my confidence level is only 5.

most of my friend will think that i’m an outgoing, a bit shame-less, talkative, a bit ignorant. well tell you what, that’s my greatest disguise . in my deepest self, i’m still the same shy and insecure little girl. one of my closest friend, he can see that insecure little girl in me (salute to uchok!).

throughout my single years, this insecurity of mine has caused some problems. and some problems have passed, some still remain unsolved but none of them are forgotten. and some are on their way coming to my life, and when they arrive, i will say, “WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!”